Thursday, February 21, 2013
InReView Part 2
Honest thought: I did get a little nervous once we started Bible study that those few verses would throw someone off and make them not like God. Because, I discovered, when I first read this section I was not in a place to understand its meaning. I was in a place where I was very angry with God. I was mad that Paul would say that my God, who had recently started bringing me close to Him, would abandon people in the manner. My God would never abandon anyone, right, He has never ending patience, right?
Just because He let them do what they wanted, as in, He didn't make them robots to His will, doesn't mean he wasn't waiting earnestly for their return; He, God our Savior, who desires all people to be saved and to come to the knowledge of the truth, is waiting for you as well.
During the study last Tuesday, my husband mentioned a thought I hadn't come across before; he mentioned that we were the people Paul was referring to in verses 18-32. Uhg, what a feeling; shame, hurt, embarassment, self-pity, anger, pride, humility. I had just been told that I had done something wrong, and wanted nothing more than for it not to be true. With every decision I make, if I am not choosing God over everything else, if I am not cherishing His glory, I am choosing to sin, and, justly so, God's wrath was upon me.
Good news after that? YES! This week, I got the... privledge... to teach on these exact verses. I honestly didn't know where to begin in preparation because I still didn't exactly know what was going on. Until last week, I thought these verses were referring to some people group in particular that had purposefully done something terrible against God. I simply Googled "Romans 1:18-32" and ended up at John Piper. A few sermons and several hours later... wham. Well it was more like, instant wham, and then more wham about every five minutes following.
Rough analogy of the purpose of 18-32: One day, as you think you were minding your own business, someone picks you up and takes you to court. When you get these, the judge says that you are free to go. Well, great. I was free two seconds ago before I was dragged in here. So, thanks?
How are you supposed to be thankful that you are set free when you don't know the charges that brought you before the judge or the punishment that those charged would have incurred? Paul is using the first several chapters of Romans to show the charges against us, prove that they exist, and tell us what our punishment should be. We have all seen the truth of God, and, we have all suppressed it. This truth is so humbling (that we should glorify Him, and not ourselves, and that we should thank Him for everything, and not take credit for ourselves) and so uncomfortable (that we are all flawed, proud, selfish, and rebellious and need of what the Bible calls salvation). This unrighteousness, this supression, this sin, is why God's wrath is against us. We don't have, and will never be able to achieve on our own, the righteousness to have God's favor; that is, we will never be righteous on our own, and therefore will never not want to supress the truth of God, and ergo, we bring God's wrath upon us. Paul continues in these first chapters of Romans to prove that both Jews and Gentiles (those who aren't Jewish) are under the power of sun and are guilty before God.
Oh yes, now to the Good News. The point of saying that you were guilty is to help you understand and cherish the good news that the charges are dropped. Knowing the extent and fairness of the wrath of God because of the condition of your heart and you sin will cause you to undertand, love and share the good news about Christ - the Gospel - that Jesus was God's son who lived, died, and was raised to life to be the sacrifice for our sin.
This is why Christianity is good news for people who know they are sinners and who want to get right with God, walk in fellowship with Him and have eternal life; it is God providing for us in Christ what we can never provide for ourselves, namely, righteousness good enough to have God's favor. And with that righteousness there is no wrath or condemnation on us anymore. God has a great desire to save people from sin and fear and death and judgement. And so God freely gives us the gospel - the good news- if we stop depending on ourselves and start trusting in Him.You can be thankful and joyful before God gives grace to people who hate their pride and are broken because of their sin.
So that is my prayer. That God leads you to repentance, which means that you have a profound change of mind and heart so that you hate sin and hipocrisy and turn to Jesus in humility and faith and say, "You are my only hope". Reading over these verses is not a bad thing; repeated discovery of our own sin brings godly grief which produces repentance and leads to salvation and brings no regret. Trust Him for all the promises of forgiveness and help and life that he brought when He died and was raised. They belong freely to everyone who believes in Him.
Tuesday, February 12, 2013
InReView Part 1
As of this semester,we have the unbelievable privilege of leading a wonderful group of college-age students near a University. It is named InView after Romans 12:1-2.
I do like Romans, and totally believe the Bible. I believe all the stories as truth and believe in living out what they teach. But with some extra honesty added, there are some parts I end up reading over without thinking because I have previously not understood, or didn't want to understand, their meaning. For instance, I was reading Chapter 1 for our first official study and immediately just skimmed over verse 18-32. I have read them before, been very angry at them before, and therefore just skipped past reviewing past strained thoughts and how these thoughts are so very justified. Several hours passed and I wanted to read again, this time thinking what would I say if I was in our group reading over these verses. What questions would I ask? What questions would I think of but not ask? What picture do these verses paint of God and His son?
After delving a bit deeper, I almost suggested that we skip these verses altogether because they weren't necessary. How quaint, a sinner suggesting to skip verses that talk about God detesting sinning. At the moment, all I knew was that they didn't seem to paint a very loving picture of God, and that I had way more questions in my head regarding these verses than I knew what to do with. I began to realize that maybe I should take some time to look back again at these verses, for maybe that place in my life at the time first read was too hectic to ascertain understanding.
I didn't have much time to review them in depth, so I just came to a place where I decided this is one of those sections I will always begrudgingly read and resistantly accept. I even got to a place of resentment towards the people Paul was referring to and wondered why they had turned from God in such a hostile manner. What gives them the right or the desire to do so? But more importantly, why did God let his presence be removed from them? Didn't that just escalate their transgressions? I will tell you, I was half in high-and-mighty status, being a follower of the Way in supposed obiedience, but also half in pity for the lost and hurting souls that God had adandoned.
In view of God’s mercy, to offer your bodies as a living sacrifice, holy and pleasing to God—this is your true and proper worship. Do not conform to the pattern of this world, but be transformed by the renewing of your mind. Then you will be able to test and approve what God’s will is—His good, pleasing and perfect will.We have dinner together, sing some praises, and then, at least for this semester, are going to study scripture. My husband was impacted through a study on Romans in college and so we are actually going to go through Romans, a chapter a week. We have a rotating teaching team who will hopefully mediate our group through all of the amazingness that Paul wrote for us.
I do like Romans, and totally believe the Bible. I believe all the stories as truth and believe in living out what they teach. But with some extra honesty added, there are some parts I end up reading over without thinking because I have previously not understood, or didn't want to understand, their meaning. For instance, I was reading Chapter 1 for our first official study and immediately just skimmed over verse 18-32. I have read them before, been very angry at them before, and therefore just skipped past reviewing past strained thoughts and how these thoughts are so very justified. Several hours passed and I wanted to read again, this time thinking what would I say if I was in our group reading over these verses. What questions would I ask? What questions would I think of but not ask? What picture do these verses paint of God and His son?
After delving a bit deeper, I almost suggested that we skip these verses altogether because they weren't necessary. How quaint, a sinner suggesting to skip verses that talk about God detesting sinning. At the moment, all I knew was that they didn't seem to paint a very loving picture of God, and that I had way more questions in my head regarding these verses than I knew what to do with. I began to realize that maybe I should take some time to look back again at these verses, for maybe that place in my life at the time first read was too hectic to ascertain understanding.
I didn't have much time to review them in depth, so I just came to a place where I decided this is one of those sections I will always begrudgingly read and resistantly accept. I even got to a place of resentment towards the people Paul was referring to and wondered why they had turned from God in such a hostile manner. What gives them the right or the desire to do so? But more importantly, why did God let his presence be removed from them? Didn't that just escalate their transgressions? I will tell you, I was half in high-and-mighty status, being a follower of the Way in supposed obiedience, but also half in pity for the lost and hurting souls that God had adandoned.
Monday, February 11, 2013
Quite a Conundrum.
I don't like sharing my sadness. I probably see it as a sign of weakness or failure of some sort. But, if someone said that to me, I would probably think that thought is ludicrous; of course it's okay to be sad. Nevertheless, I don't like people knowing that I'm sad. Or mad. Or wrong. Or doubting some truth. Or struggling. I probably want people to think I do everything right. Some of that I'm sure is just how people are, pride, but some of it is that I want people to think that they can do everything right too. I want people to make the right decisions. I want people to love God, and loving God means that you need to be happy all the time because why would you be sad when you have unspeakable joy.
Well probably because sad things happen in life. I mean, Jesus wept. (And it wasn't because the Bible was thrown across the room, it was because His good friend died.) There is a difference in being sad because sad things happen and being sad because you have no hope. Through all that is going on, I have been made happy because I have hope. A hope that my dad is dancing with Jesus. A hope that he is healed. A hope that one day we will all be together again. However, I don't see my dad everyday or get to hear his original voice again. And that makes me sad. I am sad, yet I have a hope that uplifts me.
It feels like quite a conundrum. Happiness is the midst of sadness. Sadness in the midst of happiness. I feel like it should be one way or the other. I feel like I am doing something wrong sometimes; being sad when I should be happy. I should be happy because my father has his eternal life. I should be happy because God has blessed me with a life filled with memories of my dad. I should be happy because God has brought my family together, and many together in the faith. I should be happy because God gave us resounding peace in the midst of trials. I should be happy because I have so many things still to live for. I should be happy simply because God is God, no matter what else comes of it.
However, I am quite sad. I even feel bad for feeling sad. And like many others, I don't particularly enjoy feeling sad so mostly I just ignore it. I happen to be sad for a number of reasons. But for every reason I am sad, there are about a million things I can distract myself with so as to elude the pain all together. Not to boast, but I have become quite good at this. As I ease out of adolescence, which I still feel apart of even being almost a quarter of century old, I start to see that this isn't a markedly good habit. God wants us to have, and is very explicit in His Word about having, true and overwhelming joy; not continual sadness down a road to despondency and not fleeting happiness that comes from disregard and distractions. But joy. Abundant joy. Though, in all honesty I just don't feel that sometimes, which kind of makes sense and then again kind of doesn't. My unsettled feelings do not mean that I am doubting the existence or love of God, these I know to be true, it just means that I am not all-knowing and don't understand everything, which is normal.
John 10 and 17 tell us that Jesus came and suffered so we would have joy. Romans tells us that the kingdom of God is not a matter of eating and drinking but of righteousness and peace and joy in the Holy Spirit. All the New Testament tells those that follow Christ to not be surprised when facing trials, but to rejoice and give thanks always. My father passed away just 3 weeks ago. Needless to say, I am upset; but I am just really struggling with personal acceptability of my grief and grief of other things long past. However, through my grief, through my confusion, through my anger, because His lovingkindness is better than life, I will praise Him.
Well probably because sad things happen in life. I mean, Jesus wept. (And it wasn't because the Bible was thrown across the room, it was because His good friend died.) There is a difference in being sad because sad things happen and being sad because you have no hope. Through all that is going on, I have been made happy because I have hope. A hope that my dad is dancing with Jesus. A hope that he is healed. A hope that one day we will all be together again. However, I don't see my dad everyday or get to hear his original voice again. And that makes me sad. I am sad, yet I have a hope that uplifts me.
It feels like quite a conundrum. Happiness is the midst of sadness. Sadness in the midst of happiness. I feel like it should be one way or the other. I feel like I am doing something wrong sometimes; being sad when I should be happy. I should be happy because my father has his eternal life. I should be happy because God has blessed me with a life filled with memories of my dad. I should be happy because God has brought my family together, and many together in the faith. I should be happy because God gave us resounding peace in the midst of trials. I should be happy because I have so many things still to live for. I should be happy simply because God is God, no matter what else comes of it.
However, I am quite sad. I even feel bad for feeling sad. And like many others, I don't particularly enjoy feeling sad so mostly I just ignore it. I happen to be sad for a number of reasons. But for every reason I am sad, there are about a million things I can distract myself with so as to elude the pain all together. Not to boast, but I have become quite good at this. As I ease out of adolescence, which I still feel apart of even being almost a quarter of century old, I start to see that this isn't a markedly good habit. God wants us to have, and is very explicit in His Word about having, true and overwhelming joy; not continual sadness down a road to despondency and not fleeting happiness that comes from disregard and distractions. But joy. Abundant joy. Though, in all honesty I just don't feel that sometimes, which kind of makes sense and then again kind of doesn't. My unsettled feelings do not mean that I am doubting the existence or love of God, these I know to be true, it just means that I am not all-knowing and don't understand everything, which is normal.
John 10 and 17 tell us that Jesus came and suffered so we would have joy. Romans tells us that the kingdom of God is not a matter of eating and drinking but of righteousness and peace and joy in the Holy Spirit. All the New Testament tells those that follow Christ to not be surprised when facing trials, but to rejoice and give thanks always. My father passed away just 3 weeks ago. Needless to say, I am upset; but I am just really struggling with personal acceptability of my grief and grief of other things long past. However, through my grief, through my confusion, through my anger, because His lovingkindness is better than life, I will praise Him.
My God, why have you left me by myself?
Why is my help far away?
I am crying out in agony!
My God!
I cry out for help all day long.
You do not answer.
I cry out all through the night.
You send me no peace.
But you are the Holy God!
The praise of Israel is like a throne for you.
Our fathers trusted in you.
They trusted in you and you made them safe.
They cried out to you and you saved them.
They trusted in you and you did not disappoint them.
There I will go to the altar of God,
to God—the source of all my joy.
Why am I discouraged? Why so sad?
I will put my hope in God! I will praise him again - my Savior and my God!
Though you do not now see him,
you believe in him, rejoicing with joy that is inexpressible and filled with glory,
obtaining the outcome of your faith, the salvation of your souls.
Psalms 22 & 43, 1 Peter
Wednesday, February 6, 2013
You have to start somewhere.
My dad's oldest sister was with us at the hospital and at home from Wednesday the 16th to the funeral on the 26th. I have never seen such servant-heartedness. Even though I would say we are a fairly close family, I still didn't know her that well. She sent us a very encouraging email, stating that she had been encouraged by our dedication to God and that it has been a healing for her pain.
My parents did take us to church when we were growing up; we went to all the activities, sang in the choir, went to camp, went on missions trips, had small groups, and attended Sunday morning, evening and Wednesday evening services. However, I would say I did not give my life to God, believe in His son, Jesus, as the Christ, and obey His commands, until my freshmen year of college. I was even baptized, twice, at my church when I was in elementary and middle school. It's not that difficult to understand the analogies and the metaphors in the Bible, especially when you are taught it since birth. Understanding does not equal belief. And even saying you believe does not equal faith and obedience in the Way of Christ. I became a believer, a follower, one who listens, searches, asks, knocks, speaks, obeys, and shares, many years after I was baptized. From all the places I have read in scripture, this is not how it works. You believe, repent and then you are baptized. I don't want to take away from what God may have been/was doing, however, I know for certain that no matter how much I knew and understood, I was not a believer and follower of God and His son the Christ at that point. But, since that point, about 5 years ago, I have wanted to get baptized but have run into some road blocks of confusion, stubornness, and even fear of others' opnions. We revisited the idea right after we got married while attending a church near our house. We talked about it for a while and then the busyness of life distracted us. It has come up recently and last week I decided (well, I was more pursuaded and enthused by the Spirit) that I want to be baptized in the faith. A sermon we heard visiting my mom this past Sunday affirmed these thoughts.
But I digress. I mentioned this part of my testimony because although we were brought up going to church and were raised to have "good morals", my family, through no purposeful fault of anyone, never really spoke openly about faith. My brother or I prayed the "God is good God is great" prayer before dinner until I left for college, and that was about it. Praying, reading the scriptures, encouraging others, listening to God, telling others about the love of Christ, and being guided by the Spirit was not apart of my life whatsoever until my college years. And even then it was, and still is, a slow intertwining and relinquishing my own nature to that of Christ's. I have been a Christian, or a follower of the Way, for over 5 years but that doesn't mean I am not still learning and seeking out answers. We got to share the last several weeks as a testimony to a small group of people that we meet with regularly; we shared about what God had done and is still doing. Several of the attendees have not been Christians for very long or are not very vocal about their faith. I feel like they think the way we see God and speak about God is unreachable for them. That is the reason why I explain this. I had to start somewhere. I didn't always speak my mind about God, I didn't always let God encourage my spirit, I didn't always know scripture and apply it to my life. Many things that are apart of my life today weren't even apart of my life last year. It is a constant growth and depth of understanding and trust in Christ. We all started as babies, learning how to crawl and walk and talk, but now we can jump and drive and read and teach; we all started as unbelievers and those who did not follow, but through reading, asking, praying, talking, thinking, and searching God will bring us closer to Him and His Spirit will guide our hearts and our paths.
I do not want to lessen the testimony of God in the past several weeks, but it was not in of my own power that I turned to God and received His peace in the midst of trials. It did feel somewhat 'normal' for me to do so, because if I believe in God and in the power of His Son, where else would I turn? But it wasn't like I knew what prayer to pray, scripture to read, things to tell my family, and consistant thought that God would heal my dad. All I knew was that I wanted my dad to live, I wanted him to be healed by God (through a miricale or my God guiding the doctors), I wanted my mom to know everything was going to be alright either way, and I wanted to know that everything was going to be alright either way. What I wanted above all teetered between my dad being okay and God's will being done. I knew God's will would be accomplished, but I know and believe in the scriptures where it says to pray and God will answer, and I believe in God's healing powers (literally, not just healing in heaven), even after death. I am still uncertain what they mean exactly, because I know there are verses where people "changed" God's mind through prayer in Exodus 32 and many verses saying that if you believe, you will receive whatever you ask for in prayer (Matthew 21), however, my dad was not healed in the way that we asked. But Isaiah quotes God, "As the heavens are higher than the earth, so are my ways higher than your ways and my thoughts than your thoughts."
I do not have the big picture. I have full faith in God that this circumstance will further His Kingdom and Glory. I don't want to say that because it means that my family and I now have to walk a painful path. But Christ never promised a painless path, He actually told us we should not be surprised when we face hardships, but He did promise to be with us always, even to the end of the age.
My parents did take us to church when we were growing up; we went to all the activities, sang in the choir, went to camp, went on missions trips, had small groups, and attended Sunday morning, evening and Wednesday evening services. However, I would say I did not give my life to God, believe in His son, Jesus, as the Christ, and obey His commands, until my freshmen year of college. I was even baptized, twice, at my church when I was in elementary and middle school. It's not that difficult to understand the analogies and the metaphors in the Bible, especially when you are taught it since birth. Understanding does not equal belief. And even saying you believe does not equal faith and obedience in the Way of Christ. I became a believer, a follower, one who listens, searches, asks, knocks, speaks, obeys, and shares, many years after I was baptized. From all the places I have read in scripture, this is not how it works. You believe, repent and then you are baptized. I don't want to take away from what God may have been/was doing, however, I know for certain that no matter how much I knew and understood, I was not a believer and follower of God and His son the Christ at that point. But, since that point, about 5 years ago, I have wanted to get baptized but have run into some road blocks of confusion, stubornness, and even fear of others' opnions. We revisited the idea right after we got married while attending a church near our house. We talked about it for a while and then the busyness of life distracted us. It has come up recently and last week I decided (well, I was more pursuaded and enthused by the Spirit) that I want to be baptized in the faith. A sermon we heard visiting my mom this past Sunday affirmed these thoughts.
But I digress. I mentioned this part of my testimony because although we were brought up going to church and were raised to have "good morals", my family, through no purposeful fault of anyone, never really spoke openly about faith. My brother or I prayed the "God is good God is great" prayer before dinner until I left for college, and that was about it. Praying, reading the scriptures, encouraging others, listening to God, telling others about the love of Christ, and being guided by the Spirit was not apart of my life whatsoever until my college years. And even then it was, and still is, a slow intertwining and relinquishing my own nature to that of Christ's. I have been a Christian, or a follower of the Way, for over 5 years but that doesn't mean I am not still learning and seeking out answers. We got to share the last several weeks as a testimony to a small group of people that we meet with regularly; we shared about what God had done and is still doing. Several of the attendees have not been Christians for very long or are not very vocal about their faith. I feel like they think the way we see God and speak about God is unreachable for them. That is the reason why I explain this. I had to start somewhere. I didn't always speak my mind about God, I didn't always let God encourage my spirit, I didn't always know scripture and apply it to my life. Many things that are apart of my life today weren't even apart of my life last year. It is a constant growth and depth of understanding and trust in Christ. We all started as babies, learning how to crawl and walk and talk, but now we can jump and drive and read and teach; we all started as unbelievers and those who did not follow, but through reading, asking, praying, talking, thinking, and searching God will bring us closer to Him and His Spirit will guide our hearts and our paths.
I do not want to lessen the testimony of God in the past several weeks, but it was not in of my own power that I turned to God and received His peace in the midst of trials. It did feel somewhat 'normal' for me to do so, because if I believe in God and in the power of His Son, where else would I turn? But it wasn't like I knew what prayer to pray, scripture to read, things to tell my family, and consistant thought that God would heal my dad. All I knew was that I wanted my dad to live, I wanted him to be healed by God (through a miricale or my God guiding the doctors), I wanted my mom to know everything was going to be alright either way, and I wanted to know that everything was going to be alright either way. What I wanted above all teetered between my dad being okay and God's will being done. I knew God's will would be accomplished, but I know and believe in the scriptures where it says to pray and God will answer, and I believe in God's healing powers (literally, not just healing in heaven), even after death. I am still uncertain what they mean exactly, because I know there are verses where people "changed" God's mind through prayer in Exodus 32 and many verses saying that if you believe, you will receive whatever you ask for in prayer (Matthew 21), however, my dad was not healed in the way that we asked. But Isaiah quotes God, "As the heavens are higher than the earth, so are my ways higher than your ways and my thoughts than your thoughts."
I do not have the big picture. I have full faith in God that this circumstance will further His Kingdom and Glory. I don't want to say that because it means that my family and I now have to walk a painful path. But Christ never promised a painless path, He actually told us we should not be surprised when we face hardships, but He did promise to be with us always, even to the end of the age.
I have unanswered prayers
I have trouble I wish wasn't there
And I have asked a thousand ways
That you would take my pain away
I am trying to understand
How to walk this weary land
Make straight the paths that crooked lie
Oh Lord, before these feet of mine
When my world is shaking, heaven stands
When my heart is breaking
I never leave your hands
When you walked upon the earth
You healed the broken, lost and hurt
I know you hate to see me cry
One day you will set all things right
When my world is shaking, heaven stands
When my heart is breaking
I never leave your hands
Your hands that shaped the world
Are holding me
They hold me still
-Your Hands, JJ Heller
Tuesday, February 5, 2013
Joy comes in the morning.
I figured I would try to, or at least want to, post every day once I decided I wanted to try to start this blogging thing. Things always work out differently than you expect. The morning after my last post, a minute from work, I got a call from my brother that my dad was transferred into the ICU.
Just typing it still gives me a shock.
Dad had called Monday evening to say he wasn't feeling well and had gone to the doctor that afternoon; his speech sounded like he was half asleep. I called mom the next day to see how things were going but she was already making her way into the hospital. I asked if I should come down but she insisted that the doctor said he would be fine and that I should come down this weekend when he would be feeling better. I am not one for trying to change the past but I wish I did go down right then. I had put together a Webinar for work that I was leading and had been practicing for weeks and wanted to see it through the next day. Funny though, my dad would have done the same thing; as much as I am not a career focused person, he was. Needless to day, as soon as I got the call Wednesday morning, I called my husband and we left for the longest three hour drive I have had to date.
My mom, brother, sister-n-law, and my mom's best friend were already there when we arrived. Except for a few hours here and there, we would be constant companions for the next two weeks. My mom had waited until I arrived to give us all an update. She said that she flat out asked the doctor if he would come out of whatever it is that he had and the doctor had told her that my dad would come out of it, or at least there is no reason why he wouldn't. That made us all rest easier and I even scolded myself for being so dramatic. When we got ready to go into his room a little later my mom warned my that he looks worse than he is. I have never seen a room more filled with machines and beeps and cords. The beeps, however aggrivating at first, became the signs of life that we eventually found security in, and definitly missed when they stopped. He was breathing really heavily and was pretty out of it. I told him that I was glad I was here, and he said, almost incoherantly, that he was glad I was there too.
Although I could repeat everything that happened the next week, I will save myself the heartache for now and sum it up. The more bad news we heard, the more we held on to Christ. Every piece of bad news was just more fuel on the fire of hoping in what miracle God would perform. I would estimate that we had around 1,000 people around the globe, and around the clock, praying for my father and my family. It seemed like all of facebook was lighting up with prayers for my dad. We prayed for him in his room, read the Bible to him, prayed together as a family around him and in the waiting room. I have never seen most of my family (all the extendeds showed up later in the week, around 13 more) ever even open up a Bible or talk about God, let alone be so dedicated to scripture and prayer. It was sure a sight to see that I was so thankful for during that time but also so thankful that we all got to experience together.
Philippians 4 says 'Do not be anxious about anything, but in every situation, by prayer and petition, with thanksgiving, present your requests to God. And the peace of God, which transcends all understanding, will guard your hearts and your minds in Christ Jesus.' I have read that verse and even sang the song about a million times, but truly experiencing the peace of God is a gift I would pray for everyone to have. My family and I felt our brothers and sisters' prayers. Literally felt them. Through the uncertainty and sadness, my family was uplifted. There are no words to describe this feeling, this hope that I have, it truly transcends all understanding. And for that peace for my family and myself, I sing praise to God.
Though my family and friends were praying for a miracle healing that we could all see, my father went to be with Jesus on Sunday, January 20th, 2 weeks before his 56th birthday. The one thing I was holding on to from the beginning was this verse I read about 5 years ago. At the time, it struck me so odd and actually made me a bit angry. It is a story of 3 guys who refused to bow down to an idol set up by the king. The punishment was being thrown into a furnace of fire. When the king told them to bow down or die, they replied: "If we are thrown into the blazing furnace, the God we serve is able to deliver us from it, and he will deliver us from your majesty's hand. but even if he does ot, we want you to know that we will not servce your gods or worship the image of gold you have set up." They would still worship a God who didn't save you, even when we was able?!?! That thought still pops in my head sometimes when I reminiss about hard times in my life. But then I remember that no matter what situations I face here on earth, God has saved me. He sent His Son to die for me, to die to save me, though I had done nothing but bash His name.
Let me make one thing very clear; my father is healed. He has a more perfect healing than I can have or could try to imagine. I am sad only because I can no longer make new memories with my dad. I praise God for bringing my family members closer to Him, one by one over the last 15 years, so that in the past weeks, we can all rely on Him and be mutually encouraged in our faiths and encourage those who have not yet trusted in the Lord. I praise God for the peace I cannot explain that He has given my family and me and that I have been able to share this peace in the midst of anguish with others.
Just typing it still gives me a shock.
Dad had called Monday evening to say he wasn't feeling well and had gone to the doctor that afternoon; his speech sounded like he was half asleep. I called mom the next day to see how things were going but she was already making her way into the hospital. I asked if I should come down but she insisted that the doctor said he would be fine and that I should come down this weekend when he would be feeling better. I am not one for trying to change the past but I wish I did go down right then. I had put together a Webinar for work that I was leading and had been practicing for weeks and wanted to see it through the next day. Funny though, my dad would have done the same thing; as much as I am not a career focused person, he was. Needless to day, as soon as I got the call Wednesday morning, I called my husband and we left for the longest three hour drive I have had to date.
My mom, brother, sister-n-law, and my mom's best friend were already there when we arrived. Except for a few hours here and there, we would be constant companions for the next two weeks. My mom had waited until I arrived to give us all an update. She said that she flat out asked the doctor if he would come out of whatever it is that he had and the doctor had told her that my dad would come out of it, or at least there is no reason why he wouldn't. That made us all rest easier and I even scolded myself for being so dramatic. When we got ready to go into his room a little later my mom warned my that he looks worse than he is. I have never seen a room more filled with machines and beeps and cords. The beeps, however aggrivating at first, became the signs of life that we eventually found security in, and definitly missed when they stopped. He was breathing really heavily and was pretty out of it. I told him that I was glad I was here, and he said, almost incoherantly, that he was glad I was there too.
Although I could repeat everything that happened the next week, I will save myself the heartache for now and sum it up. The more bad news we heard, the more we held on to Christ. Every piece of bad news was just more fuel on the fire of hoping in what miracle God would perform. I would estimate that we had around 1,000 people around the globe, and around the clock, praying for my father and my family. It seemed like all of facebook was lighting up with prayers for my dad. We prayed for him in his room, read the Bible to him, prayed together as a family around him and in the waiting room. I have never seen most of my family (all the extendeds showed up later in the week, around 13 more) ever even open up a Bible or talk about God, let alone be so dedicated to scripture and prayer. It was sure a sight to see that I was so thankful for during that time but also so thankful that we all got to experience together.
Philippians 4 says 'Do not be anxious about anything, but in every situation, by prayer and petition, with thanksgiving, present your requests to God. And the peace of God, which transcends all understanding, will guard your hearts and your minds in Christ Jesus.' I have read that verse and even sang the song about a million times, but truly experiencing the peace of God is a gift I would pray for everyone to have. My family and I felt our brothers and sisters' prayers. Literally felt them. Through the uncertainty and sadness, my family was uplifted. There are no words to describe this feeling, this hope that I have, it truly transcends all understanding. And for that peace for my family and myself, I sing praise to God.
Though my family and friends were praying for a miracle healing that we could all see, my father went to be with Jesus on Sunday, January 20th, 2 weeks before his 56th birthday. The one thing I was holding on to from the beginning was this verse I read about 5 years ago. At the time, it struck me so odd and actually made me a bit angry. It is a story of 3 guys who refused to bow down to an idol set up by the king. The punishment was being thrown into a furnace of fire. When the king told them to bow down or die, they replied: "If we are thrown into the blazing furnace, the God we serve is able to deliver us from it, and he will deliver us from your majesty's hand. but even if he does ot, we want you to know that we will not servce your gods or worship the image of gold you have set up." They would still worship a God who didn't save you, even when we was able?!?! That thought still pops in my head sometimes when I reminiss about hard times in my life. But then I remember that no matter what situations I face here on earth, God has saved me. He sent His Son to die for me, to die to save me, though I had done nothing but bash His name.
Let me make one thing very clear; my father is healed. He has a more perfect healing than I can have or could try to imagine. I am sad only because I can no longer make new memories with my dad. I praise God for bringing my family members closer to Him, one by one over the last 15 years, so that in the past weeks, we can all rely on Him and be mutually encouraged in our faiths and encourage those who have not yet trusted in the Lord. I praise God for the peace I cannot explain that He has given my family and me and that I have been able to share this peace in the midst of anguish with others.
A righteous man who walks in his integrity— how blessed are his sons and daughters after him. He has fought a good fight, he has finished the course, and he has kept the faith. There is laid up for him a crown of justice, which the Lord, the just judge, will render to him in that day: and not only to him, but to them also that love His coming.
The LORD my GOD will swallow up death in victory; He will wipe away tears from off all faces. He has turned for me my mourning into dancing; He has taken away my sackcloth and clothed me with gladness, that my soul may sing praise to Him and not be silent. O LORD my GOD, I will give thanks to You forever.
–Psalms, Proverbs, Isaiah, 2 Timothy.
Tuesday, January 15, 2013
Abridged Update
This blog started in 2009 when a new friend and I traveled to Zambia, Africa. The many things I learned in Mongu could not fit into any amount of blogging. Thankfully, it will be forever part of my story, and so I continue from where I left off as a Junior at Virginia Tech.
I graduated with a B.A. and a B.S. in the Spring of 2011. My (then) new friend became my sister-n-law a few weeks later. After a month of living with our parents went by, my hubbie and I moved to Northern Virginia to start another adventure together.
The first mountain we climbed was a mix between shock and separation anxiety. The ascent was caused from an unexpected, and seemingly rough, dive into the full-time working world. My first job was teaching at a private pre-school. Most days I felt like crying right along with the children when the parents dropped them off. And some days I did. We missed Blacksburg, which had become our home; we missed our BCM church community, which had become even more than a family; and we missed the freedom of college; which allowed us more than ample time to be together, whenever.
However much it felt like Everest, reminiscing about last summer seems more like a movie that you get way too into. I remember all the memories and feelings, but they are, at present, no longer mine. And for that we can all praise God.
After close to two years of being a wife, alumni, and worktress, I can say that passing time is a mystery. Settling in to what it looks like to be all of aforementioned, really just takes time. And practice. And prayer. And help. And patience. And grace. And flexibility. What I learned, and am still learning, is that, through anything and everything, we should face life with God and joy. Depression, anxiety, stress, worry, anger, distress, frustration, and uncontentment have all been part of this and other adventures. Even still, how much more enjoyable could it have been, how much more could I have learned, how many more positive memories could I have expierenced, how many more things could I have seen, how many more people could I have loved, with my face on the ground in prayer, lifting it up in peace, and living in abundant joy.
I graduated with a B.A. and a B.S. in the Spring of 2011. My (then) new friend became my sister-n-law a few weeks later. After a month of living with our parents went by, my hubbie and I moved to Northern Virginia to start another adventure together.
The first mountain we climbed was a mix between shock and separation anxiety. The ascent was caused from an unexpected, and seemingly rough, dive into the full-time working world. My first job was teaching at a private pre-school. Most days I felt like crying right along with the children when the parents dropped them off. And some days I did. We missed Blacksburg, which had become our home; we missed our BCM church community, which had become even more than a family; and we missed the freedom of college; which allowed us more than ample time to be together, whenever.
However much it felt like Everest, reminiscing about last summer seems more like a movie that you get way too into. I remember all the memories and feelings, but they are, at present, no longer mine. And for that we can all praise God.
After close to two years of being a wife, alumni, and worktress, I can say that passing time is a mystery. Settling in to what it looks like to be all of aforementioned, really just takes time. And practice. And prayer. And help. And patience. And grace. And flexibility. What I learned, and am still learning, is that, through anything and everything, we should face life with God and joy. Depression, anxiety, stress, worry, anger, distress, frustration, and uncontentment have all been part of this and other adventures. Even still, how much more enjoyable could it have been, how much more could I have learned, how many more positive memories could I have expierenced, how many more things could I have seen, how many more people could I have loved, with my face on the ground in prayer, lifting it up in peace, and living in abundant joy.
Let the peace of Christ rule in your hearts, since as members of one body you were called to peace. And be thankful. Let the message of Christ dwell among you richly as you teach and admonish one another with all wisdom through psalms, hymns, and songs from the Spirit, singing to God with gratitude in your hearts. And whatever you do, whether in word or deed, do it all in the name of the Lord Jesus, giving thanks to God the Father through him.
~Colossains 3
Tuesday, July 28, 2009
Encha Makuas!
So first off to Clarissa: even seeing that you posted cuz i asked started me crying then the last bit just killed me so thanks jerk. I miss sharing.. EVERYTHING with you EVERY SECOND of EVERY DAY but maybe this time apart will be good for us, hahaha :) it made me realize we have too many things that only we can laugh about, i laugh so much to myself im probably coming off as a loony to these new people in Joburg.
Either way, the whole ride home from the airport (which ended up being and hour more than needed since we missed the exit) after droppin Clarissa off Bershin and Joel wouldnt stop asking if i missed her and if i was sad. Thats basically what anyone asked who had met us both so i wasnt allowed to stop thinkin about her. I even kept introducing myself as 'we' and saying 'we did this and that in Zambia' and theyd all give me a weird look cuz i was standing alone so then i had to explain the whole Clarissa thing again. The rest of thursday I hung out with the woman/wife/mom we stayed with then picked up her daughter and son from school and got our 'American' dinner from the BP petrol station which was actually delish. Then I accompanied them to the church for 2 hours of worship practice.
Friday I accompanied Tony to his work at the jewlry store in the city. His secretary Mishka showed me around the market for a bit then had to leave so I walked up and down bardering for some things then saw an old cathedral and sat at LaVassa Italian coffee shop till Tony was off. He then showed me around the beaches in Capetown and the offices of Home of Hope where we had volunteere. We stopped by Jo Slovo which is one of the informal settlements left over from the apartide and saw the building of the new Creshe. For now they hold it in a small church and when i went in there were about 25 kids all sleeping side by side sharing blankets for nap time. We went to Campellos for lunch also.
Either way, the whole ride home from the airport (which ended up being and hour more than needed since we missed the exit) after droppin Clarissa off Bershin and Joel wouldnt stop asking if i missed her and if i was sad. Thats basically what anyone asked who had met us both so i wasnt allowed to stop thinkin about her. I even kept introducing myself as 'we' and saying 'we did this and that in Zambia' and theyd all give me a weird look cuz i was standing alone so then i had to explain the whole Clarissa thing again. The rest of thursday I hung out with the woman/wife/mom we stayed with then picked up her daughter and son from school and got our 'American' dinner from the BP petrol station which was actually delish. Then I accompanied them to the church for 2 hours of worship practice.
Friday I accompanied Tony to his work at the jewlry store in the city. His secretary Mishka showed me around the market for a bit then had to leave so I walked up and down bardering for some things then saw an old cathedral and sat at LaVassa Italian coffee shop till Tony was off. He then showed me around the beaches in Capetown and the offices of Home of Hope where we had volunteere. We stopped by Jo Slovo which is one of the informal settlements left over from the apartide and saw the building of the new Creshe. For now they hold it in a small church and when i went in there were about 25 kids all sleeping side by side sharing blankets for nap time. We went to Campellos for lunch also.
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