My parents did take us to church when we were growing up; we went to all the activities, sang in the choir, went to camp, went on missions trips, had small groups, and attended Sunday morning, evening and Wednesday evening services. However, I would say I did not give my life to God, believe in His son, Jesus, as the Christ, and obey His commands, until my freshmen year of college. I was even baptized, twice, at my church when I was in elementary and middle school. It's not that difficult to understand the analogies and the metaphors in the Bible, especially when you are taught it since birth. Understanding does not equal belief. And even saying you believe does not equal faith and obedience in the Way of Christ. I became a believer, a follower, one who listens, searches, asks, knocks, speaks, obeys, and shares, many years after I was baptized. From all the places I have read in scripture, this is not how it works. You believe, repent and then you are baptized. I don't want to take away from what God may have been/was doing, however, I know for certain that no matter how much I knew and understood, I was not a believer and follower of God and His son the Christ at that point. But, since that point, about 5 years ago, I have wanted to get baptized but have run into some road blocks of confusion, stubornness, and even fear of others' opnions. We revisited the idea right after we got married while attending a church near our house. We talked about it for a while and then the busyness of life distracted us. It has come up recently and last week I decided (well, I was more pursuaded and enthused by the Spirit) that I want to be baptized in the faith. A sermon we heard visiting my mom this past Sunday affirmed these thoughts.
But I digress. I mentioned this part of my testimony because although we were brought up going to church and were raised to have "good morals", my family, through no purposeful fault of anyone, never really spoke openly about faith. My brother or I prayed the "God is good God is great" prayer before dinner until I left for college, and that was about it. Praying, reading the scriptures, encouraging others, listening to God, telling others about the love of Christ, and being guided by the Spirit was not apart of my life whatsoever until my college years. And even then it was, and still is, a slow intertwining and relinquishing my own nature to that of Christ's. I have been a Christian, or a follower of the Way, for over 5 years but that doesn't mean I am not still learning and seeking out answers. We got to share the last several weeks as a testimony to a small group of people that we meet with regularly; we shared about what God had done and is still doing. Several of the attendees have not been Christians for very long or are not very vocal about their faith. I feel like they think the way we see God and speak about God is unreachable for them. That is the reason why I explain this. I had to start somewhere. I didn't always speak my mind about God, I didn't always let God encourage my spirit, I didn't always know scripture and apply it to my life. Many things that are apart of my life today weren't even apart of my life last year. It is a constant growth and depth of understanding and trust in Christ. We all started as babies, learning how to crawl and walk and talk, but now we can jump and drive and read and teach; we all started as unbelievers and those who did not follow, but through reading, asking, praying, talking, thinking, and searching God will bring us closer to Him and His Spirit will guide our hearts and our paths.
I do not want to lessen the testimony of God in the past several weeks, but it was not in of my own power that I turned to God and received His peace in the midst of trials. It did feel somewhat 'normal' for me to do so, because if I believe in God and in the power of His Son, where else would I turn? But it wasn't like I knew what prayer to pray, scripture to read, things to tell my family, and consistant thought that God would heal my dad. All I knew was that I wanted my dad to live, I wanted him to be healed by God (through a miricale or my God guiding the doctors), I wanted my mom to know everything was going to be alright either way, and I wanted to know that everything was going to be alright either way. What I wanted above all teetered between my dad being okay and God's will being done. I knew God's will would be accomplished, but I know and believe in the scriptures where it says to pray and God will answer, and I believe in God's healing powers (literally, not just healing in heaven), even after death. I am still uncertain what they mean exactly, because I know there are verses where people "changed" God's mind through prayer in Exodus 32 and many verses saying that if you believe, you will receive whatever you ask for in prayer (Matthew 21), however, my dad was not healed in the way that we asked. But Isaiah quotes God, "As the heavens are higher than the earth, so are my ways higher than your ways and my thoughts than your thoughts."
I do not have the big picture. I have full faith in God that this circumstance will further His Kingdom and Glory. I don't want to say that because it means that my family and I now have to walk a painful path. But Christ never promised a painless path, He actually told us we should not be surprised when we face hardships, but He did promise to be with us always, even to the end of the age.
I have unanswered prayers
I have trouble I wish wasn't there
And I have asked a thousand ways
That you would take my pain away
I am trying to understand
How to walk this weary land
Make straight the paths that crooked lie
Oh Lord, before these feet of mine
When my world is shaking, heaven stands
When my heart is breaking
I never leave your hands
When you walked upon the earth
You healed the broken, lost and hurt
I know you hate to see me cry
One day you will set all things right
When my world is shaking, heaven stands
When my heart is breaking
I never leave your hands
Your hands that shaped the world
Are holding me
They hold me still
-Your Hands, JJ Heller
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