Quite a Conundrum.

I don't like sharing my sadness. I probably see it as a sign of weakness or failure of some sort. But, if someone said that to me, I would probably think that thought is ludicrous; of course it's okay to be sad. Nevertheless, I don't like people knowing that I'm sad. Or mad. Or wrong. Or doubting some truth. Or struggling. I probably want people to think I do everything right. Some of that I'm sure is just how people are, pride, but some of it is that I want people to think that they can do everything right too. I want people to make the right decisions. I want people to love God, and loving God means that you need to be happy all the time because why would you be sad when you have unspeakable joy.

Well probably because sad things happen in life. I mean, Jesus wept. (And it wasn't because the Bible was thrown across the room, it was because His good friend died.) There is a difference in being sad because sad things happen and being sad because you have no hope. Through all that is going on, I have been made happy because I have hope. A hope that my dad is dancing with Jesus. A hope that he is healed. A hope that one day we will all be together again. However, I don't see my dad everyday or get to hear his original voice again. And that makes me sad. I am sad, yet I have a hope that uplifts me.

It feels like quite a conundrum. Happiness is the midst of sadness. Sadness in the midst of happiness. I feel like it should be one way or the other. I feel like I am doing something wrong sometimes; being sad when I should be happy. I should be happy because my father has his eternal life. I should be happy because God has blessed me with a life filled with memories of my dad. I should be happy because God has brought my family together, and many together in the faith. I should be happy because God gave us resounding peace in the midst of trials. I should be happy because I have so many things still to live for. I should be happy simply because God is God, no matter what else comes of it.

However, I am quite sad. I even feel bad for feeling sad. And like many others, I don't particularly enjoy feeling sad so mostly I just ignore it. I happen to be sad for a number of reasons. But for every reason I am sad, there are about a million things I can distract myself with so as to elude the pain all together. Not to boast, but I have become quite good at this. As I ease out of adolescence, which I still feel apart of even being almost a quarter of century old, I start to see that this isn't a markedly good habit. God wants us to have, and is very explicit in His Word about having, true and overwhelming joy; not continual sadness down a road to despondency and not fleeting happiness that comes from disregard and distractions. But joy. Abundant joy. Though, in all honesty I just don't feel that sometimes, which kind of makes sense and then again kind of doesn't. My unsettled feelings do not mean that I am doubting the existence or love of God, these I know to be true, it just means that I am not all-knowing and don't understand everything, which is normal.

John 10 and 17 tell us that Jesus came and suffered so we would have joy. Romans tells us that the kingdom of God is not a matter of eating and drinking but of righteousness and peace and joy in the Holy Spirit. All the New Testament tells those that follow Christ to not be surprised when facing trials, but to rejoice and give thanks always. My father passed away just 3 weeks ago. Needless to say, I am upset; but I am just really struggling with personal acceptability of my grief and grief of other things long past. However, through my grief, through my confusion, through my anger, because His lovingkindness is better than life, I will praise Him.

My God, why have you left me by myself?
Why is my help far away?
I am crying out in agony!
My God!
I cry out for help all day long.
You do not answer.
I cry out all through the night.
You send me no peace.
But you are the Holy God!
The praise of Israel is like a throne for you.
Our fathers trusted in you.
They trusted in you and you made them safe.
They cried out to you and you saved them.
They trusted in you and you did not disappoint them.
There I will go to the altar of God,
to God—the source of all my joy.
Why am I discouraged? Why so sad?
I will put my hope in God! I will praise him again - my Savior and my God!
Though you do not now see him,
you believe in him, rejoicing with joy that is inexpressible and filled with glory,
obtaining the outcome of your faith, the salvation of your souls.

Psalms 22 & 43, 1 Peter